Another Friday Funny

[Kassie]

A diver filming the sardines off PE kaked in his wetsuit recently when a whale came damn close to swallowing him! :blue-shock:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-Ph1CWYivg[/youtube]

[Jim_From_Zim]

Lol, so true...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eMwscEFd0Q[/youtube]

[Riprap]

Our honourable Kassie Koekemoer from down the valley in the frost free zone; please elaborate if k*k has positive or negative buoyancy so we may judge the divers state of distress whilst he was acting like a dental tool.......??

[Jim_From_Zim]

The directors of the company were called into the chairman's office, until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered and found the chairman and the eight other directors sitting solemnly around the table.

The chairman turned to the young exec and asked " Have you ever had sex with Miss Foyt, my secretary?"

"No certainly not!"

" Are you absolutely sure" asked the chairman again

"Absolutely, I have never laid a finger on her"

"Will you swear to that?"

"Yes I would, I have never had a sexual relationship with your secretary"

"Good. Then you fire her!"

[Jim_From_Zim]

Our esteemed new minister of finance back in 2008...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giaXgH9cYFU[/youtube]

[Floatie]

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[Floatie]

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[Floatie]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Riprap]

Wahahaaaaa.....
Reminds me of this one:

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

[Floatie]

HAHAHA Lekka one.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[LaRocks]

Ek weet nie wie van julle die Italiaanse politiek dophou nie…
Jy weet dis nou soos wat politiek bedryf moet word, NIE SOOS IN DIE LAND VAN ONS NIE!!!!

Hier verdien die ministers groot salarise, in Italië verdien hulle skaars genoeg geld om ‘n gepaste grootte langbroek te kan koop!!!

Die nuwe minister Maria Elena Boschi teken die register
as nuwe Minister in die Italiaanse Regering. Mens sal dink sy sal darem
ander kleur skoene dra by so n blouselblou pakkie!!! Ai.

[Floatie]

Ek weet nie wie van julle die Italiaanse politiek dophou nie…
Jy weet dis nou soos wat politiek bedryf moet word, NIE SOOS IN DIE LAND VAN ONS NIE!!!!

Hier verdien die ministers groot salarise, in Italië verdien hulle skaars genoeg geld om ‘n gepaste grootte langbroek te kan koop!!!

Die nuwe minister Maria Elena Boschi teken die register
as nuwe Minister in die Italiaanse Regering. Mens sal dink sy sal darem
ander kleur skoene dra by so n blouselblou pakkie!!! Ai.

[Kassie]

Sydney -

A shop manager was pelted with sex toys by an intruder wearing a wig and crotchless pants in an Australian erotica store stick-up, police said on Sunday.

The man forced his way into the Brisbane adult shop through the roof just before 5.30am on Saturday, setting off the alarm.

“Upon being disturbed the man threw a number of items he was attempting to steal out of his hands and proceeded to climb back through the roof,” police said in a statement.

“Police located the man climbing down from the roof of the business.”

According to local media reports, the intruder was wearing a wig, crotchless pants and a dress.

He was charged with breaking and entering and drug possession offences.

“There's definitely a funny side to it,” the manager, Fiona Coldrick, told The Australian newspaper.

“Obviously what he was wearing was pretty amusing.

“You've got to see the lighter side of it.”

It is the second sex store robbery in northern Australia this week.

On Thursday, a man crashed through the roof of a Cairns erotica outlet during a botched burglary, making off with a “Fantasy Fetish” pack which included a saddle. He was arrested nearby and faced court on Friday. - Sapa-AFP

[Riprap]

Why we shoot deer in the wild:

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

[Kassie]

Employing the Power Hookset