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Another Friday Funny

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Especially for our good friend Mr Smurf:

[Image: Another-Smurf.jpg]
Regards Robert Jacobs
Cute kid...I could slap that thing !! :blue-lol:
Life is not about the number of breaths we make,but the moments that take our breath away.
haha, good one Nav. Compliments of the season to you Smurf.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."


Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am. We don't go there to talk."

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims, “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “F*** him.”

Nav - do your magic please. Done :eusa_boohoo:
A very short bedtime story......

A man phones the doctor. . . ."I've just cut off my finger and there's blood everywhere. What should I do?"
Doctor . . . "Did you cut off the whole finger"
Man . . . . "No, the one next to it" :roll:
This butt-ugly woman walks into my local while I am sitting there enjoying a beer, pinches my arse and says “ Can I have your number sexy.”

“Sure” I replied, “Have you got a pen?”

“Yes” she replied, giving me a wink.

"Then you had better get back in to it before the farmer realizes you are missing” I said.
Haha, nasty Jim. Here's one from our club archives:

The Editor
What’s New

Dear Sir.

The previous issue of 10’th July 2009 refers.

We feel we must defend our fellow anglers, particularly those who received prizes at the annual Wriggleswade ass Masters prize giving as was published on page 9 of this issue.

At first we thought that it was theatrical humour at its best which emanated from a simple typographical error. However upon closer inspection, bearing in mind fisher folk have lots of patience, we realised that the “ass” referred to in this submission was in fact a hint for crossword no 105 printed on the same page.
No. 7 across – Household animal (3) is an ass.

Logically, this must be correct as many of the angler’s names are household names and some of them are animals. We have not completed the crossword to check the words validity as we are too busy with fishing competitions.

Certain members would like it known that they do not appreciate the phone calls received congratulating them on being the senior, heaviest , most improved and other #*/hole of the year. Some of these members have sought legal opinion but have been advised to not pursue this issue, short of them now making complete ##### of themselves.

We trust this clarifies our position and can only hope that the readers did not construe our Club to be a bunch of ####!

Yours sincerely.
Actually. This is more sad than funny. But funny taken in the context of Gwede Mantashe's announcement on the ruling party's stance on corruption earlier.

Parliament is all but certain to appoint Robert McBride as head of the watchdog Independent Police Investigative Directorate after the portfolio committee on police backed his nomination for the post on Wednesday.

The ANC outvoted opposition parties on the committee who had vehemently opposed McBride's nomination. They argued that the former Umkhonto weSizwe bomber's past brushes with the law had rendered him wholly unsuitable for the post.

But Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa told committee members he had full confidence in McBride and believed under him Ipid would "dispel the perception of impunity in the police" which had damaged its image.
True story..........


Methane gas from 90 flatulent cows exploded in a German farm shed on Monday, damaging the roof and injuring one of the animals, police said.

High levels of the gas had built up in the structure in the central German town of Rasdorf, then “a static electric charge caused the gas to explode with flashes of flames,” the force said in a statement.

One cow was treated for burns, a police spokesman added.
Jim_From_Zim Wrote:...

But is was an MT...and a Divisional over Saturday and Sunday...when do you expect me to prefish... :eusa_doh:
Regards Robert Jacobs
The SARS decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the SARS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand rand that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand rand that I can bite my other

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
rand that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.

But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand rand that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy
about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

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