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+--- Thread: Friday Funnies (/thread-7400.html)
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 12-03-2013
If Jim can get away with some of his funnies, I'm going to post this one:
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes
I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around
-- just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
(because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper,
down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little
buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed
to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She
has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes
to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet
seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down,
she's going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might
as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need
to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how
hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you
can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting
on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we
have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try
to achieve that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will
back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn
fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until
the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed
fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a
toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all
the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning
wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I
could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the
wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it
forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out
from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the
bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of
our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep
putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the
toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and
split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the
bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but
there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father
Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 12-04-2013
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEe5s5Olca4[/youtube]
Re: Friday Funnies - Jim_From_Zim - 12-04-2013
riprap Wrote:If Jim can get away with some of his funnies, I'm going to post this one:
Thanks Mod :twisted:
Re: Friday Funnies - Jim_From_Zim - 12-04-2013
I might be pushing the boundaries a bit here, but here's a clip titled 'confessions' about one of my confessions...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bEGLbCNRqw[/youtube]
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 12-05-2013
Elder Banking... PRICELESS!!
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 12-06-2013
THE BLIND DATE:
<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/the_blind_date.shtml" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adu ... date.shtml</a><!-- m -->
Re: Friday Funnies - Jim_From_Zim - 12-06-2013
So Sven and Mary are playing in the garden.
Sven is running around with his arms widespread. "I'm a pilot, flying my airplane. You can play, too, if you want. Jump on my back and I'll fly you around."
So Mary jumps on his back and he goes careering around the garden.
"Stop," says Mary. "I need to go wee-wee."
Sven stops and she nips behind a bush, lowers her nickers. Sven is a normal boy so he peeks through the shrubbery.
Mary sees him. "Sven!"
"What's that?" Sven asks.
"My wee-wee machine," she replies. "Would you like to touch it?"
"No!" shouts Sven, "I'm not a real pilot, you know!
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 12-06-2013
[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]
Re: Friday Funnies - Kassie - 12-06-2013
'n Grap is n grap maar jy plak nie 'n ''Arrive Alive'' sticker op 'n lykswa nie!
Re: Friday Funnies - Kassie - 12-06-2013
My vrou was vreeslik beindruk toe sy hoor hoe baie geld ek elke maand vir Charity gee
Maar sy was hoogs bef*k toe sy uitvind Charity werk by Teazers!
Re: Friday Funnies - Kassie - 12-06-2013
'n Vrou bel die Nelspruitse Polisiestasie en sê 'My man het twee dae gelede aartappels gaan koop en is nog nie terug nie!'
Daar is 'n lang pouse voor die polisievrou verbaas sê 'Eish Madam! Kan jy nie maar iets anders kook nie?'
Re: Friday Funnies - Kassie - 12-06-2013
Die dogtertjie se vir haar ma: "Ma, die seuns by die skool wil die heeltyd he ek moet wawiele maak vir hulle!"
Die ma stoe: "Moenie dit doen nie, hulle wil net jou panty sien"
Die dogtertjie se toe: "Ek weet, dis hoekom ek hom in my tas bêre".
Re: Friday Funnies - Kassie - 12-06-2013
'n Klomp miere loop teen Prins Charles se been op.
Skoenlapper vlieg verby en vra: 'Waarheen is julle oppad?'
Miere antwoord: 'Na die koninklike bal!'
Re: Friday Funnies - Kassie - 12-12-2013
Julius goes for a job at sea.
The captain says "Have you had any experience at sea?"
"No" says Julius, "But I'm honest!"
The captain takes him on and off they sail. After three weeks at sea Julius is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard.
The 1st mate goes running to the captain, "You know the black guy we took on, the one who said he was honest...? Well he's just disappeared with your mop!"
Re: Friday Funnies - Jim_From_Zim - 12-13-2013
The Banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.
Being a good friend, the Banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The Banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said "She'll be twenty-one in November".
Now the Banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the Banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the Banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the Banker. Tom proudly said, "Great! She's pregnant!"
The Banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said "She's pregnant too!"