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+--- Thread: Friday Funnies (/thread-7400.html)
Re: Friday Funnies - Steve_basscoza - 10-20-2013
OldTimer Wrote:
Maybe for the guys that throw big worms at Bass ?
![[Image: Speedo.jpg]](http://www.bassfishing.co.za/includes/image.php?height=135&width=135&cropratio=1:1&image=/resources/Speedo.jpg)
Apparently popular at "Maanlig" Resort on Sh#tblank Dam (Especially when "caught behind" by one of the okies from the "Far East"!) :bluegrab:
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 10-23-2013
Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
Table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
Under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit
His head on the table and emerged red-faced
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
Followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500.. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
And moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
And Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went
To the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly
Dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.. And upon arriving,
Asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by
For a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
In fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
And pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Re: Friday Funnies - Jim_From_Zim - 10-23-2013
:eusa_dance: anyone care to lend me another $500 :blue-badgrin: :blue-badgrin: :blue-badgrin:
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 10-23-2013
Hey Jim, sure, no problem boet, here's a whole lot more................[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 10-29-2013
“Banned from Woolworths- Didn’t like shopping there anyway
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter’s arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I’m now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. “
Re: Friday Funnies - Floatie - 10-29-2013
Russia says, im going to be the first in space, then USA says we will be the first on the moon, Jacob says we will be the first on the surface of the sun, Obama laughs and says it too hot, Jacob says back, we'll go at night
Re: Friday Funnies - Capiez - 10-30-2013
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 10-30-2013
A Long Marriage
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" She said, "Yes, that's right.
Do you remember what you said to me that night? He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 11-01-2013
Found floatie fishing at builders express.........!
[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]
Re: Friday Funnies - Jim_From_Zim - 11-04-2013
SON OF A BITCH FISH:
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.
The guide,holding a net,yelled," Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son,I'm a priest.Your language is uncalled for!"
"No,Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then,help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"
"Yes,it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why,eat it of course! You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary .. "Father"!
"It's OK,Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, Brother ... it' s called a Son of a Bitch Fish."
"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish,where did you get it ?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" ... proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" ... exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "and I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You f*#kers are my kind of people!"
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 11-04-2013
Wahahaaaaaa........
Re: Friday Funnies - Floatie - 11-04-2013
riprap Wrote:Found floatie fishing at builders express.........!
[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]
My wife said... cute.
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 11-04-2013
Haha, sorry floatie but when I looked at him, he just said..........floatie......!
Re: Friday Funnies - Riprap - 11-05-2013
They say sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
Re: Friday Funnies - Berto - 11-05-2013
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkPl9R1zmFg&feature=youtu.be
One for the Carp Fishing fans.
Hope this guy does one on bass soon.