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Eddles

Another Friday Funny

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#16
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[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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BWG
#17
I'm still crying from laughing......

STAY OUT OF HOSPITAL…… Eeeeish

Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records –

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. The patient refused autopsy.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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#18
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother (not all bad then?)

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”


Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!


Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"


An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"



Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"



A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".


.............................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

.............................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.............................................................................

The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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#19
Hehehehe - prism...

Keep clam, keep calm...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBYNbovODbE[/youtube]
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#20
Talk about frustration!


"Your password has been in use for 60 days and is now
expired - you must register a new one."

'roses'

"Too few characters."

'pretty roses'

"You must use at least one numerical character."

'1 pretty rose'


"You cannot use blank spaces."
'1prettyrose'

"You cannot use less than 10 characters."
1f#$@&*ingprettyrose'

"You must use at least one upper case character."
'1FI#$@&*INGprettyrose'

"You cannot use more than one upper case character
consecutively."

'1F#$@&*ingPrettyRose'

"You must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

'1F#$@&*ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightNow'

"Sorry, that password is already in use”
Real men smoke Shimano's!
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#21
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait Scent is $3.50
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BWG
#22
I am over 60 and the Army thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join up. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old buggars. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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#23
Breaking Fab

[Image: 1796653_10150453686434945_732149225_n_zps56c38884.jpg]
[Image: SignatureSmallBFSA_zps89bcf1e2.png]
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#24
The guys were all away fishing for the week. No one wanted to room with Roy ,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Roy and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened
to you? He said, " Roy snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened
to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Roy shakes the roof with his
snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred 's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what
happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Roy into bed,
patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Roy sat up and watched me all night
<!-- w --><a class="postlink" href="http://www.adrenalinoutdoors.co.za">www.adrenalinoutdoors.co.za</a><!-- w -->

"The man who persists in casting will succeed in catching" - Capiez
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#25
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'` :eusa_clap:
Real men smoke Shimano's!
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#26
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and
said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen
completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan,
"Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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BWG
#27
[Image: ed200144-8bfb-4f22-aa2e-0d5718be2ff3_zps3f02b703.jpg]
[Image: SignatureSmallBFSA_zps89bcf1e2.png]
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#28
[Image: ANC---Fail.jpg]

Today's march in Cape Town
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That's what you get for setting a 30% pass mark
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#29
Pppffffffffffffhhhhhhhhtttttttttt

Whahahaaaaaaaahahahhahahhahhaaaaaa

Whiskey alpha Charlie's

What i dont get tough, going political for 2 seconds here, is that the ummm...national government is the one that provides housing and service delivery, not the local government. So in fact they are marching against themselves.

Cunch of bunts I tell you.
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#30
True story....

Pietermaritzburg - Just four-and-a-half years after winning a R10m Lotto payout, a former police officer has landed in hot water for allegedly committing a house robbery.
Dayalin Maslamoney, 39, who left the police force after his unexpected windfall in June 2009, was arrested on Sunday along another man.
They are alleged to have posed as bogus policemen and robbed Yusuf Billy, 20, and two friends of R250 at a house in Boom Street in Pietermaritzburg.

Dis faarked up
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