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Another Friday Funny

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Talk about anything else that is interesting and maybe not related to bass fishing...

Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Navrik » 05 Oct 2016, 06:39

Riprap wrote:Herewith a summary of last weekends game:

Ons het n Buitesenter wat BinneSenter speel en n Heelagter op Buitesenter. Ons het n Linkervleuel op Regtervleuel om n Skrumskakel op Linkervleuel te akkomodeer en ons Heelagter is n Losskakel. Dit raak regtig intressant as die plaasvervangers opkom. As jy jou Linkervleuel op Regtervleuel wil vervang dan moet jy n Heelagter op stuur wat dan Heelagter speel in die plek van jou Losskakel op Heelagter en skuif dan jou Losskakel Heelagter na Regtervleuel toe. Om die kersie op die koek te sit word jou skrumskakel beseer en jy stuur n 8ste man op om jou Oopkant Flank wat nou Steelkant Flank speel te vervang sodat jou Oopkant op Steelkant na Linkervleuel toe kan skuif sodat jou Skrumskakel wat Linkervleuel speel jou beseerde skrumskakel kan vervang..... En hulle weet nie hoekom ons deurmekaar vertoon op die veld nie???


Please can someone translate for me so I don't have to read it three times to make sense......... :lol:


Whatever it takes...bottom line we won... :eusa_clap:

I think we should choose the whole team out of position for the All Blacks.. :eusa_angel: .
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Riprap » 05 Oct 2016, 19:21

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook.”
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Riprap » 17 Nov 2016, 16:08

Three drunks get into a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off immediately.

He told them.... "We have arrived - that will be fifty Dollars"

The first guy paid him the money

The second guy said "thank you"

The third guy gave the driver a slap

The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did

He asked "what was that for?".

The third guy replied: "Next time drive slowly" !!
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Riprap » 29 Nov 2016, 16:38

The Irish are a wonderful people, always willing to help in a pinch.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston , the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight "

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners left."
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Navrik » 14 Feb 2017, 12:06

I have taken it on myself to remove Kassie's post. I don't think this is what we stand for.
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Riprap » 12 May 2017, 09:41

peanuts-tell-me-chuck-wha-is-love-you-ever-smell-11926701.png
peanuts-tell-me-chuck-wha-is-love-you-ever-smell-11926701.png (130.87 KiB) Viewed 184 times
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Riprap » 17 May 2017, 16:36

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one alot!)

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
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Re: Another Friday Funny

Postby Riprap » 21 May 2017, 10:41

You have to read this through to the end!

Natal is a province in South Africa, which apparently has the highest quota of Indians outside of India ...

Natal curry contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end......

Clearly enjoyment is even better if you lived amongst these lovely people with their crazy accents and sayings .

NOTE:
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is!

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from the UK .

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY..

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY....

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911 I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY....

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it’s too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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